On July 7th my beautiful son Had to be at Child*rens Hosp*ital to have Biopsies on his intestines. After 2 years and several testing they finally got concerned. My little man is almost 5 years old and still on 34lbs and 39 inches tall. He is a midget compare to other kids.
We were suppose to be at the hospital at 8am. We got to the hospital and the nurse got his vitals and got him changed and everything. The surgery was suppose to start at 9:30. They came in and gave him happy Juice at 9:15. I feel asleep with little man in his bed. 1:30 came around and uhm I had just woke up and he was still in the bed with me. I called back and asked why the hell were we still there. I also told them he is starting to wake up and once he wakes up he will NOT go back with them. Just then someone came to get him.
Just like I warned my sweet boy would NOT go with her without a fight. They sent 1 lady down to transport him to the OR and he almost fell out of the bed. Mind you he was still pretty out of it but enough in it to realize some stranger is taking him away from his mommy. I told her that Iwill be going with her to take him to the OR because I don't want to risk my baby getting hurt.
We took him to the back and they still did not have that damn room ready. We waited for about 5 to 10 minutes in the hallway. Finally they came out and took my baby boy into the room. I sobbed. All I could think in myhead was I can't lose another baby. What if something horriably goes wrong? What if the results come back and he has Crohns Disease like my brother. I walked back to the room and my mom made me go get something to eat. I could barely eat anything and I was just so scared.
Five days later we went to D*isney W*orld. We tried to pretend we were not waiting for the results that may change our life. I had fun but really in the back of my head all I could think about was the results. The day after we got home the results were in. My sweet boy has Ce*liac Disease. We are now a home free of wheat and Gluten. I am sure now I will be putting Recipes and talk alot of Ce*liac Disease.
Even though I still have the battle of everyday life, I still wish I had Samuel here with me. I miss my baby boy.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
So worried
Tomorrow morning I will have to hand over my little boy to complete strangers. I really have no clue how they are going to get him to go back without a fight. I have never left his side before. I wish they would let me stay with him until he goes to sleep. Please keep my baby in your thoughts.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Bad Blogger-
Wow I am seriously a horrible, terrible blogger. I need to get my butt into gear and start blogging more. Lets see if I can do this in bullets again.
March.
I really can't think of anything that really happen in March. The kids and I went to the beach for a week. My dad was in the hospital from Wednesday until Tuesday and noone HERE knew about it until Monday morning. Although we all called he did not tell any of us. My mom found out by accident. I was really pissed off and hurt noone called us.
April
Had surgery on my uterus. endometrial ablation I met my mothers boyfriend who I do not like. My Niece had a healthy 9lbs 1oz 21 inch baby boy.
May.
My son had a nasty Staff infection in his head and we had to battle that. My cousin was almost beat to death by her boyfriend and held her hostage. When finally "helped" she refused the help. My Niece that had the baby in April is in process of moving down here, her husband is currently staying here so he can get a job ( done) and save money for a apt. Both girls learned how to ride bikes.
June.
I got the sims3 hooray lol. We went back to the beach for a week. Mom broke up with her boyfriend but got back with him and I think they broke up again. The doctor believes my son has Crohns Disease. After watching my brother fight for his life from this terrible illness I am scared to fucking death. My baby boy has to be put to sleep on July 7th and he is having a EGD ( Esophagogastroduodenoscopy ) and a Colonoscopy done. They will be taking biopsies of his esophagus , stomach and the first part of his small intestine.
Tomorrow is July and I promise I will try my best to start blogging often again. Hopefully someone out there is reading this.
March.
I really can't think of anything that really happen in March. The kids and I went to the beach for a week. My dad was in the hospital from Wednesday until Tuesday and noone HERE knew about it until Monday morning. Although we all called he did not tell any of us. My mom found out by accident. I was really pissed off and hurt noone called us.
April
Had surgery on my uterus. endometrial ablation I met my mothers boyfriend who I do not like. My Niece had a healthy 9lbs 1oz 21 inch baby boy.
May.
My son had a nasty Staff infection in his head and we had to battle that. My cousin was almost beat to death by her boyfriend and held her hostage. When finally "helped" she refused the help. My Niece that had the baby in April is in process of moving down here, her husband is currently staying here so he can get a job ( done) and save money for a apt. Both girls learned how to ride bikes.
June.
I got the sims3 hooray lol. We went back to the beach for a week. Mom broke up with her boyfriend but got back with him and I think they broke up again. The doctor believes my son has Crohns Disease. After watching my brother fight for his life from this terrible illness I am scared to fucking death. My baby boy has to be put to sleep on July 7th and he is having a EGD ( Esophagogastroduodenoscopy ) and a Colonoscopy done. They will be taking biopsies of his esophagus , stomach and the first part of his small intestine.
Tomorrow is July and I promise I will try my best to start blogging often again. Hopefully someone out there is reading this.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Natalie grant held
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wow..It's been a while
I can't believe I did not write anything in this blog since September. Life got ahead of me and I did not know how to handle everyday living. I have a few stalkers online who LOVE to look me up and see what kind of drama they can start with me next. I thought things was under control until recently. These said people are suppose to be mothers. Pretty horrible.
Since September another one of my family member has become a member of the deadbaby group. My dear niece gave birth at 19 weeks. Just one day before the birthday of my sweet sons. My niece calls me often and we both sob on the phone. I don't understand why this happens to people.
Shortly after that the end of September my brother had surgery that was suppose to save his life. Instead with a blink of a eye everything went wrong and we almost lost him. After 2 weeks of being in a coma and 2 months in the icu everything changed. He is doing alot better now.
In October we find out that the husbands grandfather has cancer and because he is already so old with so many health problems they are not going to treat him.
In November I went to my family's house and I was pretty upset with the whole visit. My mother has changed so much. I did not feel like the kids and I was really welcomed in her home and I believe they was ready for us to leave. We left early.
In December of course it was Christmas time. I don't know about everyone else but Christmas is really hard on me. I really missed my little boy. We also went to Florida and we got to see husbands cousins we ahve not seen in a long while.
In January my little Maddy turned 6. I can't believe how fast time flies. We also found out Maddy will be repeating kindergarten. Also the husband and I separated. Things have not been good for a while now. We did not see each other hardly at all and we never talked. He is addicted to a stupid computer game and his family came last.
Now February. My father has moved to Florida without telling anyone. We found out 2 weeks later that he moved to be with some woman he does not know. I feel even more alone then ever. The depression is much worse.
Since September another one of my family member has become a member of the deadbaby group. My dear niece gave birth at 19 weeks. Just one day before the birthday of my sweet sons. My niece calls me often and we both sob on the phone. I don't understand why this happens to people.
Shortly after that the end of September my brother had surgery that was suppose to save his life. Instead with a blink of a eye everything went wrong and we almost lost him. After 2 weeks of being in a coma and 2 months in the icu everything changed. He is doing alot better now.
In October we find out that the husbands grandfather has cancer and because he is already so old with so many health problems they are not going to treat him.
In November I went to my family's house and I was pretty upset with the whole visit. My mother has changed so much. I did not feel like the kids and I was really welcomed in her home and I believe they was ready for us to leave. We left early.
In December of course it was Christmas time. I don't know about everyone else but Christmas is really hard on me. I really missed my little boy. We also went to Florida and we got to see husbands cousins we ahve not seen in a long while.
In January my little Maddy turned 6. I can't believe how fast time flies. We also found out Maddy will be repeating kindergarten. Also the husband and I separated. Things have not been good for a while now. We did not see each other hardly at all and we never talked. He is addicted to a stupid computer game and his family came last.
Now February. My father has moved to Florida without telling anyone. We found out 2 weeks later that he moved to be with some woman he does not know. I feel even more alone then ever. The depression is much worse.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
You are my sunshine
So Roger's and Samuel's birthday is coming up. Of course September 11 is the WORST day of my life but also one of the happiest. Every year I get so depressed and sick. My emotional state is crazy. I want to be happy for Roger. I always end up in tears and crying and begging for my son back when everyone is in bed. For Roger' sake I am happy and I hide how I am really feeling.
September 11,1995 my favorite nephew was killed by his aunt. ( My brother's wife's sister . So as you see September 11 has haunted my family way before 9-11-01 and before 04.
Someone in the family gave Roger a card for his birthday early. It is a beautiful card with a sunshine in front with a rainbow. When you open it up it sings you are my sunshine. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom puking and sobbing. I use to sing that song while I was pregnant. I was so happy and at that time I had a closed mine and I always though " I would never be that mom" I was wrong. If you ever pay close attention to the words the song is depressing.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
I'm not sure how I am gonna handle this year. I try to take one day at a time but I seriously worry myself sick. I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I just want my son back.
September 11,1995 my favorite nephew was killed by his aunt. ( My brother's wife's sister . So as you see September 11 has haunted my family way before 9-11-01 and before 04.
Someone in the family gave Roger a card for his birthday early. It is a beautiful card with a sunshine in front with a rainbow. When you open it up it sings you are my sunshine. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom puking and sobbing. I use to sing that song while I was pregnant. I was so happy and at that time I had a closed mine and I always though " I would never be that mom" I was wrong. If you ever pay close attention to the words the song is depressing.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
I'm not sure how I am gonna handle this year. I try to take one day at a time but I seriously worry myself sick. I cry at the drop of a hat these days. I just want my son back.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
3 little monkeys
It's been a while. Things have been pretty crazy. We went to lots of places and got to visit family. Courtney has since went home. We miss her alot. My Birthday has came and went. This is the last birthday I will ever build up. Nothing what I expected.
The girls started school August 7th. Abby loves her Teacher. Maddy not so much. I also offered to be room mom for Abby's class. Now Roger and I are home alone. What a sweet time.
Lots of Birthdays coming up in the next few weeks. Husband's birthday is the 22. Abby is September 1 and then the day I am very confused on feelings. September 11. September 11 1995 My beloved 7 month old nephew was murdered. September 11,2004 My precious son Roger was born alive. September 11,2004 My world fell apart when my precious son Samuel was born dead.
I'm always confused in September. Should I love September since I had 2 children be born and live? Should I hate September because my nephew was murdered and my son was born dead? I wish I knew what was right and wrong.
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